Smack-dab in the middle of a slum.

Scary? I thought so, too. Only at the first glance, though. I pass by this place almost everyday. Only that yesterday as I walked down the street, my eyes glued to the phone screen. I was busy texting when a heart-rending shriek shook my insides and the phone fell outta my hands. Instinctively, alarmed, I glanced to my left. A used-to-be-white building stood alone. Second glance, I was genuinely curious. But then I saw three kids, half-clothed. They were running around, playing inside the building. Their childhood wasn’t one that I could call familiar but the ring of their laughter substituting the pain, as it echoed through the building, made me smile. I picked up my phone off the road and snapped a photograph.

It's the Joshua Tree's struggle that gives it it's beauty.

It wasn't just any tree. It was an ancient Joshua tree. It stood in a crease of land where the desert ended and the mountain began, forming a wind tunnel. From the time the Joshua tree was a tiny sapling, it had been so beaten down by the whipping wind that rather than trying to grow skyward, it had grown in the direction that the wind pushed it. It existed now in a permanent state of wind blownness, leaning over so far that it seemed ready to topple, although, in fact, its roots held it firmly in place.  -Jeannette Walls

And together that night, we cried.

But sometimes you have to run away just to see if someone cares enough to follow you.
You can laugh this one off and call me a stupid teenager. But he had reason enough. I saw the scars.

"And girls who cant cook and admit it are sexy too? :p"
Yes. Yes they are!

Curtains. Lights. Action.

Just saw The Trials of Brother Jero. Nice play. Still, nothing can match up to Chicago. Not even Bombay Dreams.

Mind-numbing headaches. Going blank during random conversations. Very few hours of disturbed sleep. Early work hours. I finally realized that I'm exhausting myself beyond repair. I desperately need me-time. Don't confuse me-time with alone-time. I don't want alone-time.
I don't mind everyday drama. I don't mind not knowing how crazier tomorrow will be. I don't mind gluing back their broken hearts. That doesn't exhaust me. These are my reasons to live. Stop confusing my reality with something else. I'll be okay. I'll be okay if you stay. Stay.

 He won. A trophy, they said. I want to hear his voice. I want him to tell me himself so I can tell him how proud I am.

This one broke my heart.

"Imagine for a second that you're carrying a backpack.I want you to feel the straps on your shoulders. Feel them?Now I want you to pack it with all the stuff that you have in your life. You start with the little things, the things on the shelves and in drawers, the knickknacks, the collectibles. Feel the weight as that adds up. Then you start adding the larger stuff; clothes, tabletop appliances, lamps, linen, your t.v. The backpack should be getting pretty heavy now. And you go bigger. Your couch, bed, your kitchen table. Stuff it all in there. Your car, get it in there. Your home, whether its a studio apartment or a two bedroom house. I want you to stuff it all into that backpack.. Now try to walk. It's kinda hard, isn't it?This is what we do to ourselves on a daily basis. We weigh ourselves down until we can't even move. And make no mistake, moving is living.Now, I'm going to set that backpack on fire. What do you want to take out of it? Photos? Photos are for people who cannot remember. Drink some ginko and let the photos burn. In fact, let everything burn and imagine waking up tomorrow with nothing. It's kind of exhilarating, isn't it?
Lets try again.
Now, this is going to be a little difficult. Stay with me.You have a new backpack. Only this time, I want you to fill it with people.. Start with casual acquaintances, friends of friends, folks around the school/office.  Then you move in the people that you trust with your most intimate secrets. Your cousins, your aunts, your uncles, your brothers, your sisters, your parents. And finally, your husband, your wife, your boyfriend or your girlfriend. You get them into that backpack. Don't worry I'm not gonna ask you to light it on fire. Feel the weight of the bag. Make no mistake, your relationships are the heaviest components in your life.Do you feel the straps cutting into your shoulders? All those negotiations and arguments and secrets and compromises. You don't need to carry all that weight. Why don't you set that bag down? Some animals were meant to carry each other, to live symbiotically for a lifetime. Star-crossed lovers, monogamous swans. We are not those animals. The slower we move, the faster we die. We are not swans. We are sharks."

Not lectures. Not charity. Especially not pity. When I give, I give myself.

Outside the court room..

in broad daylight, a car almost ran over me. And the bastard wasn't even blind.

bail bonds.

12th March 2011. Looking into a jail cell, sitting smack in the middle of five uniformed men. Hearing them exchange vulgar jokes and dirty looks. I quickly rummaged through my brain, transforming the image of a police station in my head. The decent image from before had altered, shattered. This, right here was reality. The Thaana, they called it. Why I had to go there has now become a part of who I am.

The train line was something. But this one was my favorite: Downwards is the only way forward.
I agree.

wake up call?

This one gave me goosebumps. Stop wasting time.

         A worker inspects a caved-in section of the Joban Motorway near 
Mito, Ibaraki, following the earthquake in Japan.

A woman is like a teabag. You never know how strong she is until she's dropped into hot water.

Got my very first paycheck today. It was a small room, simple even, but one that I'll never forget. Because there, today, for the first time after all this, I felt proud of me. Looking out the window, a smile split across my face as I searched the blue skies, thanking God.

Anyone can become angry- that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, with the right purpose, and in the right way, that is not easy. ~ARISTOTLE

The Leech.

Gritting my teeth with a little too much force, still, I could not stop the trembling of my lips. I tried to choke down the sobs that constantly threatened to escape, but they slipped out despite my best intentions. As did the tears, without permission. The hurt had me. And once again numbed my feelings, paralyzed my thoughts and re-opened my wound. From that moment on, I became just Saniya.


So, despite the fact that everything contradicts this, despite my sadness and my feelings of impotence, despite being almost convinced at this moment that nothing will ever get better, I cannot lose the one thing that keeps me alive: hope.

Also, because her voice never stops telling me, "Allah he kaafi hai".

"And if Allah touches you with harm, there is no one who can remove it but He; and if He intends any good for you, there is none who can repel His favor which He causes to reach whomsoever of his slaves He wills." ~ Qur'an, Surat Yunus (chapter of Jonah) verse 107