The Plan.

Look at life in retrospect. Notice how everything is so marvelously pre-planned. How you think you might have met someone accidentally and then that "coincident meeting" changes your life. How one person changes your life. All because in some twisted way coincidences happens simply because things are meant to be. Which means from everything you say, do, wear, eat, to how long you breathe, are all part of The Plan.

When I thought the hardest decision of my life was to decide whether to walk away or try harder, I chose to walk away because I thought I had the courage to accept whatever I encounter. But I didn't walk away because I chose to, I did because it was meant to happen. It was part of The Plan. Part of My Plan.

All you need to do is believe in the plan. Believe that sometimes the only way forward might be downwards and that's okay because there's a bigger plan for you.
So when I walked away towards life, towards change, and towards hope, I knew I had to leave all the anger, hatred, and bitterness behind because if I didn't I wouldn't be free.

It's hard to leave behind people who gave you so much to remember. You never stop missing them. It's hard to meet new people and start over but it's worth it. Because from what I've learned, blood makes you related but loyalty makes you family. In such a short spam of time friends have become family. And him, he's more than that. He's my reason for everything. He's the best part of my plan.

Complicated.

It all starts from that one secret person. We all have that person: Someone you wanna grab, hug, and tell how much they mean to you. Someone who's gone and you wish you could have one more chance because if you did you'd fix it.Yes, that person.

And its complicated. They ask me why I keep saying complicated. Let me try to explain.

Its complicated because this person texts you exactly at that same moment you're missing them and you know in your heart that its deeper than coincidence.

It's complicated like how we damage ourselves. How we get our hearts torn apart and fall in love with the wrong people.

Its when what your brain tells you you want and what you actually want don't match up. It's exhausting. And, well, its complicated. Try to keep up.

Time and stuff.

Time is creepy. Creep-ier than my stalker number 2 who likes to come around occasionally, stand by me but buy nothing from the store, talk a little - mostly to himself - and then leave. But unlike him, time is fascinating and impulsive and cruel. It has a mean way of stealing people from us.

So here's my theory. You'll live a boring life and then after a huge amount of time something big will happen to counter all the shit. And just for one moment you'll realize how you got everything that you ever wanted. For one moment you'll feel like you're lucky. For one moment you'll feel like it was all worth it. For that one tiny moment you'll love God for your existence. Emphasis on just one moment. And then you'll go back to being ungrateful, unhappy, and well.. normal. But nonetheless, you will experience that one moment that may seem life changing in the best way and the next minute you'll forget all about it. Why? It's because humans are stupid and miserable. The point? I'm having that tiny moment of bliss as we speak.

Okay I'll try to explain this a little better.
He's an ass and I love him. I love him in a let him eat the last piece of my honey bun, cook him food even though I don't know how to cook sorta way. Wanting to throw him in front of a speeding car and then die trying to save him kinda way. And I should tell him this but I probably won't. Instead I'll just write here.

I feel grown up. In a good way. In a 'I love life' kinda way. Like when you come to the point where you know that you're far from perfect and you have an ugly looking haircut and that you could have a more flatter stomach but you're somehow happy about it all. Because looking back at life you see pain and so much heartache but then you look at yourself and you see strength.

Last year passed. Its gone and I'll miss it. I'll miss my friends in Pakistan, I'll miss being their friend who fell asleep everywhere and ate like a pig and never gained weight and turned everything 'dirty'. And I'll miss the summer of 2012 the most and I'll keep it with me forever. I'll miss the feeling of the perfect change.

New year resolution? Find more reasons to love life.