Living in the world of the undecided pretty much sucks. I never could make decisions, that I always knew. Mariam says deep inside we all know what's really right for us. I know too and I'm doing an awesome job at blocking that part out.
"Do what makes you happy cause ultimately that's the right thing" (Quote Saniya)
But you know how stupid I am so screw that advice.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars.. i could really use a wish right now.
This is the newest one stuck in my head. I only like the chorus though.
I had nothing better to do today so i read all my old blog posts. I promised me i wouldn't do that because then i just get conscious of what I'm writing. So you see i try not to re-read what i write. Put up with lots of repetition and other random shit, please. I also realised that i need to give you more pictures, in that matter my blog is indeed very empty. I wont promise much but you'll definitely see more of me in the literal sense that is.
That, i wrote a good ten hours back. Got bored. Ran off to do some other shit. Anyway i just saw this really stupid movie. And now I'm.. well, it was pretty disturbing.
Tomorrows Monday and i feel i have homework but i cant remember what. My minds probably just way too clustered with other stuff, I'm assuming. That's not a good thing, doesn't help in sleeping much.
I need a long shower. I do all my thinking in the bath. Is that weird? Probably. Oh well.
I was thinking today how cool it would be to read my blog after like a good twenty years when I'll be like thirty-eight? Lol. I wonder how looking back at all this would make me feel. I'll probably just be like blah i was so stupid. What if I'm all miserable and old and this stuff seems happy and makes me cry then? I don't need to be old and miserable, memories of whatever kind make me cry any way.
Its like writing yourself a letter and then opening it after a gazillion years. Maybe my kids will read my blog someday. Wow, that just sounds very pathetic right now.
On a happier note, I'm going shopping this week. I'm gonna get myself new bangles.
And, sad part.. my friend lost her dog today. Coco =(
I had nothing better to do today so i read all my old blog posts. I promised me i wouldn't do that because then i just get conscious of what I'm writing. So you see i try not to re-read what i write. Put up with lots of repetition and other random shit, please. I also realised that i need to give you more pictures, in that matter my blog is indeed very empty. I wont promise much but you'll definitely see more of me in the literal sense that is.
That, i wrote a good ten hours back. Got bored. Ran off to do some other shit. Anyway i just saw this really stupid movie. And now I'm.. well, it was pretty disturbing.
Tomorrows Monday and i feel i have homework but i cant remember what. My minds probably just way too clustered with other stuff, I'm assuming. That's not a good thing, doesn't help in sleeping much.
I need a long shower. I do all my thinking in the bath. Is that weird? Probably. Oh well.
I was thinking today how cool it would be to read my blog after like a good twenty years when I'll be like thirty-eight? Lol. I wonder how looking back at all this would make me feel. I'll probably just be like blah i was so stupid. What if I'm all miserable and old and this stuff seems happy and makes me cry then? I don't need to be old and miserable, memories of whatever kind make me cry any way.
Its like writing yourself a letter and then opening it after a gazillion years. Maybe my kids will read my blog someday. Wow, that just sounds very pathetic right now.
On a happier note, I'm going shopping this week. I'm gonna get myself new bangles.
And, sad part.. my friend lost her dog today. Coco =(
Maya Angelou
A free bird leaps
on the back of the wind
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wing
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.
But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.
The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.
The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.
But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.
The caged bird sings
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.
on the back of the wind
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wing
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.
But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.
The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.
The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.
But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.
The caged bird sings
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.
To you. From me.
Dear Sunshine,
It's a quarter after one and I need you now. Please come back? I miss you so much.
Love,
Thunder.
It's a quarter after one and I need you now. Please come back? I miss you so much.
Love,
Thunder.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Cute guy alert?
There isn't much to write about today. I'm just very impatient. And angry. My reason? Still have to figure that one out. I'm thinking I shall blame it on PMS. I tried reading Jane Eyre, got bored. I have no idea how I'm gonna answer 200 questions from the text. At the moment I have no intention to.
The other day at the concert auditions for the fundraiser, I fell in love with this dude's voice. Never in my life heard someone sing that good, live at least. Besides, he was singing my song. How ironic. So you see why I loved it? Wait. Does that mean something? Who gives. I cant be bothered to look for signs. I'll let you know if I see him again, though.
The other day at the concert auditions for the fundraiser, I fell in love with this dude's voice. Never in my life heard someone sing that good, live at least. Besides, he was singing my song. How ironic. So you see why I loved it? Wait. Does that mean something? Who gives. I cant be bothered to look for signs. I'll let you know if I see him again, though.
27th August, 2010.
I’m not numb anymore. I can, after today, function without my numbness. I’m happy, more than I thought I could be especially after the last couple of months and in such less time than I would have believed possible. For the first time in so long breathing is easy again. My heart doesn’t seem so far anymore. It’s whole and very much intact. I’m calm. I’m happy. I’m peaceful. Even smiling.
We sat on the steps long after everyone was gone. The silence didn’t feel awkward and strangely, I didn’t feel the need to break the stillness. So much was being said during the silence, it’s hard to explain. But ultimately we settled things.
I won’t say missing wont be a problem, just not the biggest and most painful problem.
I haven’t moved away. I’ve moved on.
I decided that it’s not always important to let go. What’s important is to keep going. Carry a backpack and take along all the things that you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose and the moments that made you YOU. And, walk away. Because when you fall flat on your ass, nobody will bother to stretch out and pull you up. So get up, dust off the dirt and walk off or you will get walked on and eventually become a flat, lifeless part of the pavement.
We sat on the steps long after everyone was gone. The silence didn’t feel awkward and strangely, I didn’t feel the need to break the stillness. So much was being said during the silence, it’s hard to explain. But ultimately we settled things.
I won’t say missing wont be a problem, just not the biggest and most painful problem.
I haven’t moved away. I’ve moved on.
I decided that it’s not always important to let go. What’s important is to keep going. Carry a backpack and take along all the things that you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose and the moments that made you YOU. And, walk away. Because when you fall flat on your ass, nobody will bother to stretch out and pull you up. So get up, dust off the dirt and walk off or you will get walked on and eventually become a flat, lifeless part of the pavement.
Friday, August 27, 2010
From Kimm.
I ask because
a) I care and I wanna help
b) I have to care. so I act like I do.
c) I just wanna know what happened. I don't give a shit about you.
or, I don't even bother to ask.
a) I care and I wanna help
b) I have to care. so I act like I do.
c) I just wanna know what happened. I don't give a shit about you.
or, I don't even bother to ask.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Today i have so much to say. So much i want to tell you. Only if i had enough time. Only if i could get it all right.
There is so much we know, too much, cruelly, to be expressed in any medium,
Including silence.
And to harbor it means having it eventually leach under.
-Sujata Bhatt
Random. Just thought that would explain it better.
Does that ever happen to you? Like sometimes you feel too much. You want to let it all out. Share. And when you finally decide to share, so much rushes to your mind all at once. As you start to tell, you realise that theres so much that cannot be shared.
Today in psychology class when we were studying about.. yeah that's probably when i phased out. I was thinking how talking helps so much. Wait, I'll explain.
Sometimes i just need to be with people who don't comment, laugh, interrupt and just not talk so much. Not the mysterious kind. The easy, comfortably numb kind of people. Like Hassan and Mariam. Two of my favorite people in the world. When I'm upset i talk to them only, not because I'm asking for solutions to my pathetic problems but because i know they aren't judging, just silently listening. And their silence makes me hear myself. Sometimes all you need to do is hear yourself.
I say, treasure the people who make time to hear you out and actually listen.
Other than that, today was boring and lazy with the exception of the weather. The weather was really pretty today. The magic of the rain. It flooded the whole school ground completely. By the way, they drained the brown pool water, finally.
Random fact: If you don't sleep nights and try to catch up on sleep during the day, you're prone to get severe depression as you get older.
I got me a new ear stud like for the top piercing on the ear bone. Its really pretty but it makes my ear hurt, cant even sleep on the right side. But at least its pretty.
P.S. read Skinnydipping in History by Sujata Bhatt.
Listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1tVk-QlBKs
There is so much we know, too much, cruelly, to be expressed in any medium,
Including silence.
And to harbor it means having it eventually leach under.
-Sujata Bhatt
Random. Just thought that would explain it better.
Does that ever happen to you? Like sometimes you feel too much. You want to let it all out. Share. And when you finally decide to share, so much rushes to your mind all at once. As you start to tell, you realise that theres so much that cannot be shared.
Today in psychology class when we were studying about.. yeah that's probably when i phased out. I was thinking how talking helps so much. Wait, I'll explain.
Sometimes i just need to be with people who don't comment, laugh, interrupt and just not talk so much. Not the mysterious kind. The easy, comfortably numb kind of people. Like Hassan and Mariam. Two of my favorite people in the world. When I'm upset i talk to them only, not because I'm asking for solutions to my pathetic problems but because i know they aren't judging, just silently listening. And their silence makes me hear myself. Sometimes all you need to do is hear yourself.
I say, treasure the people who make time to hear you out and actually listen.
Other than that, today was boring and lazy with the exception of the weather. The weather was really pretty today. The magic of the rain. It flooded the whole school ground completely. By the way, they drained the brown pool water, finally.
Random fact: If you don't sleep nights and try to catch up on sleep during the day, you're prone to get severe depression as you get older.
I got me a new ear stud like for the top piercing on the ear bone. Its really pretty but it makes my ear hurt, cant even sleep on the right side. But at least its pretty.
P.S. read Skinnydipping in History by Sujata Bhatt.
Listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1tVk-QlBKs
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
So I'm not going to school today. I got dressed and everything and then i fell asleep out in the living room so i was like what the heck and then i dragged my sleepy butt back in bed. But now that i can sleep, i cant. Unpredictably annoying this sleep is. I could still make it in time for psychology but obviously i wont. I should be fasting today. I'm not. I'm doing all the things that i shouldn't be doing. Like missing classes and then coke for instance.
I'll go grab breakfast. Thats one thing i should be doing.
I'll go grab breakfast. Thats one thing i should be doing.
Monday, August 23, 2010
All schools shut down in Lahore till late September. Just not for us. We gotta come cause it's our "senior year" and blah blah blah. Two weeks off wont do no harm now, will it? Yes, i finally miss summer. Just a tiny bit though. Very tiny bit.
Know what? I got me a white board. I scribble on it like all the time. The songs stuck in my head get stuck on the board now. My white board is my newest best friend. See, i just have have have have to throw out random thoughts. Other than Mariam and Ehab, people don't like to listen to my babbling. Hence, i resolved to a lifeless white board. So don't laugh.
Tell you whats funny? Our school swimming pool doesn't only have pee water. Its a mixture of shampoo, ants, pee, rain water, dead leaves, twigs and so much more crap. Regardless of the fact that the pool floor is a happy blue, the water appears to be brown. And that's not even an overstatement. Despite all that, they swam. I'm not a clean freak. I just prefer clean water.
Today i had my phone, still have it. It makes me feel happy. Think I'll sleep goodly tonight.
Shit. I got psychology homework.
Confession: I drank two glasses of coke today.
And. I bunked socio class.
Okay now i feel all better :)
Know what? I got me a white board. I scribble on it like all the time. The songs stuck in my head get stuck on the board now. My white board is my newest best friend. See, i just have have have have to throw out random thoughts. Other than Mariam and Ehab, people don't like to listen to my babbling. Hence, i resolved to a lifeless white board. So don't laugh.
Tell you whats funny? Our school swimming pool doesn't only have pee water. Its a mixture of shampoo, ants, pee, rain water, dead leaves, twigs and so much more crap. Regardless of the fact that the pool floor is a happy blue, the water appears to be brown. And that's not even an overstatement. Despite all that, they swam. I'm not a clean freak. I just prefer clean water.
Today i had my phone, still have it. It makes me feel happy. Think I'll sleep goodly tonight.
Shit. I got psychology homework.
Confession: I drank two glasses of coke today.
And. I bunked socio class.
Okay now i feel all better :)
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Cant it be morning already?
I cant sleep. My finger hurts but blogging is the only thing that really helps. I was just telling Mariam how i painted my wounded blue-ish fingernail black. Yes I'm whining because it's still bleeding. And i cant find a bandaid anywhere. But whatever.
I need to clear my head to sleep which means i need Ehab and my baby (my creditless baby, locked up in some crappy drawer). The cruel cruel world.
I need new shoes. Shopping makes me feel better. Next time we go out, we go shopping, Mariam.
Tomorrow i will wear blue.
Today i miss sunshine.
Yesterday, glad its over.
Blah blah blah blah.
See. I'm going all loopy now.
I'll just go lie in bed and wait till i fall asleep.
Night.
I need to clear my head to sleep which means i need Ehab and my baby (my creditless baby, locked up in some crappy drawer). The cruel cruel world.
I need new shoes. Shopping makes me feel better. Next time we go out, we go shopping, Mariam.
Tomorrow i will wear blue.
Today i miss sunshine.
Yesterday, glad its over.
Blah blah blah blah.
See. I'm going all loopy now.
I'll just go lie in bed and wait till i fall asleep.
Night.
Story of my life.
Teary eyes, ice-cold hands, heart beating out to my ribs and it gets all the more worse if you wake with a startle. I could bet on my life that I've never had a worse dream. Only if i could remember it. Now I'm just stuck with a horribly bad feeling.
Sundays are boring and stupid. Two days at home and I'm already killed.
I hurt my finger today. I was shuffling around in the drawer and something sharp cut me. It wont stop bleeding. So till then imma keep whining.
And I'm starving. I was watching Fear Factor on AXN earlier. This guy was made to eat bull testicles. Yeah, lost my appetite for the rest of the day. Idiots.
P.S. Happy Birthday Amna!
Sundays are boring and stupid. Two days at home and I'm already killed.
I hurt my finger today. I was shuffling around in the drawer and something sharp cut me. It wont stop bleeding. So till then imma keep whining.
And I'm starving. I was watching Fear Factor on AXN earlier. This guy was made to eat bull testicles. Yeah, lost my appetite for the rest of the day. Idiots.
P.S. Happy Birthday Amna!
Monday, August 16, 2010
First Day Of School.
I'm sipping on hot chai because I'm so so sleepy but i needed to blog. Yes, it has become a need now.
So whoever said the first day of school is horrible, was wrong. If you minus the fact that it was burning hot and i was fasting, the day wasn't so bad after all. Quite a few things happened. Lemme start with telling you this conversation:
Me: Shahrose! i miss my phone. i hate being phone-less!
Shahrose: that really sucks mann.
random person who happened to butt in: ohhh, so that's why you never answered my texts that one time!
Me: no, i had my phone that time.
I was fasting AND very sleepy.
Then it rained today. That was actually perfect to kill the heat. But maybe i shouldn't have asked God to make it rain that day, not that i don't like rain. I love rain. Just not the fact that it has flooded the whole of Pakistan.
And then randomly my throat started bleeding. I could actually taste the blood. Yeah not so much my flavor. The infection just doesn't seem to leave me. But i figured ketchup's the culprit here. So none of that no more.
You should know how much life sucks without chocolate, coke and ketchup. It makes you not wanna live no more. Okay that was a lame joke. But in my defence, i am sleepy.
Other than that i missed my literature class. Didn't bunk, missed on accident. And now i feel horrible about it. Senior year was supposed to be "study shit hard and blah blah blah" but here i am missing classes on my very first day. Though, it was an accident.
I'm thinking of writing that essay now but I'll probably end up snoring off.
I miss you guys. And my phone. Imma go hit the covers now.
So whoever said the first day of school is horrible, was wrong. If you minus the fact that it was burning hot and i was fasting, the day wasn't so bad after all. Quite a few things happened. Lemme start with telling you this conversation:
Me: Shahrose! i miss my phone. i hate being phone-less!
Shahrose: that really sucks mann.
random person who happened to butt in: ohhh, so that's why you never answered my texts that one time!
Me: no, i had my phone that time.
I was fasting AND very sleepy.
Then it rained today. That was actually perfect to kill the heat. But maybe i shouldn't have asked God to make it rain that day, not that i don't like rain. I love rain. Just not the fact that it has flooded the whole of Pakistan.
And then randomly my throat started bleeding. I could actually taste the blood. Yeah not so much my flavor. The infection just doesn't seem to leave me. But i figured ketchup's the culprit here. So none of that no more.
You should know how much life sucks without chocolate, coke and ketchup. It makes you not wanna live no more. Okay that was a lame joke. But in my defence, i am sleepy.
Other than that i missed my literature class. Didn't bunk, missed on accident. And now i feel horrible about it. Senior year was supposed to be "study shit hard and blah blah blah" but here i am missing classes on my very first day. Though, it was an accident.
I'm thinking of writing that essay now but I'll probably end up snoring off.
I miss you guys. And my phone. Imma go hit the covers now.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
My Eenie Meenie Miney Mo Lover, In Justin Bieber's Words.
I feel like doing nothing. I'm so lazy. I just wanna stay in bed all day. Tomorrows school. I don't wanna get up at seven-thirty! And I need to stop whining. But I still haven't written those essays even though I have all the time in the world. Its just that I miss my phone way too much now. It was my baby. I need it now. I miss both my hearts on it, they were red and yellow.
Guess what song is stuck in my head all over again? She will be loved, Maroon 5. This is just wrong. Wheres Hassan when you need him? Nobody else can sing it good.
By the way, I'm totally loving being back in my room. I just need someone to be here with me. Or wait, I wanna dance. With Shahrose, Hassan and Ehab. Just like that day when we went crazy. I wanna wreck tables with you guys all over again.
Shit. I need a day out with my friends. I miss em way too much.
Guess what song is stuck in my head all over again? She will be loved, Maroon 5. This is just wrong. Wheres Hassan when you need him? Nobody else can sing it good.
By the way, I'm totally loving being back in my room. I just need someone to be here with me. Or wait, I wanna dance. With Shahrose, Hassan and Ehab. Just like that day when we went crazy. I wanna wreck tables with you guys all over again.
Shit. I need a day out with my friends. I miss em way too much.
The Screaming Silence.
Alone, in the darkest hours of the night. You and I, we both have cried over something or the other once in a while. For some of you, maybe even too often. It's a comfort in the darkness where no one can hear or see you. Its helps to really let go. No excuses needed. In the morning you don't exactly feel better, just relieved. Numb. So cry if you need to. Let it all out.
Its way past 1 a.m. and I'm lecturing you on crying and shit. It was random, just popped up in my head. I was thinking of last night actually. People say i shouldn't get too personal on my blog but it helps to write. I write for myself. I just happen to have a few followers who like reading my non-stop babbling.
I need my phone. I need to text. I need to hear from you. I'm sad now. I miss my phone an awful lot.
More than that, i miss sunshine. :(
Its way past 1 a.m. and I'm lecturing you on crying and shit. It was random, just popped up in my head. I was thinking of last night actually. People say i shouldn't get too personal on my blog but it helps to write. I write for myself. I just happen to have a few followers who like reading my non-stop babbling.
I need my phone. I need to text. I need to hear from you. I'm sad now. I miss my phone an awful lot.
More than that, i miss sunshine. :(
Saturday, August 14, 2010
BEGINNINGS AND ENDS.
So summer is almost-completely over. Just one more day till school starts again. And then the same old shit. Basically there was nothing special that happened over the course of these two months for me. But lots of lessons learnt. About relationships mostly; friends and family and a few more bonds that i might never be able to explain right. All beautiful in strange ways. There were a couple of goodbyes, some forever. Others not.
The start of my summer marked the end of something that meant a lot to me. And it made me want to lose track of time. I fished for distractions around me. Eventually when the black hole almost had me sucked in, fingertips out, i suddenly wanted light again. Somehow hope crawled back into me. Time does heal.
Now i just feel numb. Comfortably numb. That's a good thing maybe, not usually me but I'll be fine. That i know now.
So I've officially moved back into my old room/closet. I dragged back the bed and everything. (That's bound to make Nahal happy.) Now i think i can handle sleeping alone again. My sister was getting sick of me anyway, said i talked too much for someone who was hardly being heard. Oh well. Imma go write those five essays due Monday. Later.
P.S. I miss my phone.
The start of my summer marked the end of something that meant a lot to me. And it made me want to lose track of time. I fished for distractions around me. Eventually when the black hole almost had me sucked in, fingertips out, i suddenly wanted light again. Somehow hope crawled back into me. Time does heal.
Now i just feel numb. Comfortably numb. That's a good thing maybe, not usually me but I'll be fine. That i know now.
So I've officially moved back into my old room/closet. I dragged back the bed and everything. (That's bound to make Nahal happy.) Now i think i can handle sleeping alone again. My sister was getting sick of me anyway, said i talked too much for someone who was hardly being heard. Oh well. Imma go write those five essays due Monday. Later.
P.S. I miss my phone.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Once Upon A Time..
She didn't expect him to believe her. He did, though. Strangely he wanted to. Of all people, her. She didn't think missing her would be a problem. Apparently, it was. Enough to crush the Famous Ego. In less than ten words she poured her heart out. Gave it away, her heart, once again. To her Stranger. Silently, she slid it into his pocket. Maybe when he goes home he'll find it or it'll just rot away in the laundry basket for days. The point? Her aching heart belonged to him. Whether he wanted it or not. His presence could heal it. She knew that. He did too. And now, so do you.
Vanilla Twilight.
I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone
But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because when I think of you
I don't feel so alone
Random song that coincidentally says IT.
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone
But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because when I think of you
I don't feel so alone
Random song that coincidentally says IT.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
9:49 pm
Last night while lecturing my little sister on life, I realized how I'm hopelessly in love with time. It does miracles. It continues to go on even when life seems to stop. It ticks away the pain.
IM GLAD I GOT TO SEE BOTH OF YOUR FACES. TO BE HONEST I DONT LIKE EITHER ONE OF THEM.
So I got another haircut. Its my third one this month. Desperate for change? maybe I am or it was just sheer boredom. So I spent half the day flipping through magazines, arching my eyebrow at every perfect-headed model and the other half trying to cut it the way I wanted it to be. If it wasn't almost horrible I'd have given you a picture. But never mind that now. Know what the best thing about cutting your own hair is? If you mess it up you never even feel bad about it.
Other than that I learnt today to never trust people. Never share your problems. Never ring people up when you're low. Nobody gives a shit. Remember that. Who you might think as a friend could just be another somebody looking for entertainment. And later they'll use it against you if needed. Instead, tell your sister. Your brother. Even you mom if you're close enough. They're the only people who'll actually feel your hurt and guard your secrets with their life. Don't make a fool of yourself. Don't just hand anybody the power to break you because they wont hesitate to. And if you still cant resist, go blog about it. Even better, take a long hot bath and maybe talk it out loud if you need to. Treasure your secrets and your problems. Stop whining and learn what life means to teach you.
Know what else I figured? Nobody wants the truth anymore. They'd rather you were two-faced. But get this, if I don't like you I will tell you exactly that. Unlike you I wont put up an act. If I didn't forgive you, I wont pretend that I have. If I'm angry, I wont hide it. If I don't trust you, I wont talk to you. Here is where the difference lies; I wont talk about you when I can just talk to you. I could say I hate her. But you forgot, I'm Saniya, I'd rather say I hate you. What you cant stand is that I have the guts to say it, all of it. That leaves you with no where to hide your sorry little face. You spring up with the only tool you have left; my love. You then throw back my faults at me, hoping anything, just anything would crush me. Heck, I am concrete, you shouldn't have forgotten.
Other than that I learnt today to never trust people. Never share your problems. Never ring people up when you're low. Nobody gives a shit. Remember that. Who you might think as a friend could just be another somebody looking for entertainment. And later they'll use it against you if needed. Instead, tell your sister. Your brother. Even you mom if you're close enough. They're the only people who'll actually feel your hurt and guard your secrets with their life. Don't make a fool of yourself. Don't just hand anybody the power to break you because they wont hesitate to. And if you still cant resist, go blog about it. Even better, take a long hot bath and maybe talk it out loud if you need to. Treasure your secrets and your problems. Stop whining and learn what life means to teach you.
Know what else I figured? Nobody wants the truth anymore. They'd rather you were two-faced. But get this, if I don't like you I will tell you exactly that. Unlike you I wont put up an act. If I didn't forgive you, I wont pretend that I have. If I'm angry, I wont hide it. If I don't trust you, I wont talk to you. Here is where the difference lies; I wont talk about you when I can just talk to you. I could say I hate her. But you forgot, I'm Saniya, I'd rather say I hate you. What you cant stand is that I have the guts to say it, all of it. That leaves you with no where to hide your sorry little face. You spring up with the only tool you have left; my love. You then throw back my faults at me, hoping anything, just anything would crush me. Heck, I am concrete, you shouldn't have forgotten.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
GOD FORGOT TO MAKE IT RAIN ON ME!
Yesterday Mariam said it was raining. It wasn't. Right now everybody's facebook status says its raining. Its not. What the hell. Now I want rain just because its not raining on me. And I thought God wasn't unfair. Its stupidly hot and humid. I want rain. Now.
FIND YOUR REASON.
Ehab, maybe everybody has something in them that they have to do. Like, God puts you here for a reason. Your reason. Then He asks you to find that reason and live by it. Do what you're scared to do. Take risks. Make mistakes. Don't plan to grow up, it'll happen along the way. Explore. Invent. Search. Dream, and follow it.
Don't just spend your life. Live it.
Im with you, now and forever.
Don't just spend your life. Live it.
Im with you, now and forever.
good morning afternoon.
I just woke up. Slept through the whole day. I even missed that lecture I was supposed to attend on Ramadan. I need to go text Iman and tell her I'm sorry.
Lazy me. Ehab's coffee is needed at this moment but hes probably sleeping as usual. And I want pancakes too. Last time I tried making them (Ehab's recipe). A total disaster. I didn't only mess up the mixture, I somehow managed to crumble the pancakes to black bits and pieces. Yeah, that bad.
So every time mom asks me to get married, I ask her to find me a husband who can cook.
Anyway. I got at least 7 essays to write before the 16th. So there, now I have something to do.
I know how crazy busy I'm going to get in just a few days so I might as well just enjoy the freedom. The minute I set foot in school life's gonna be one hell of a busy nightmare. I'll hardly get "alone-time" so I'd rather just make up for it beforehand.
P.S. Rabia, I saw your head. Farewell pictures.
Lazy me. Ehab's coffee is needed at this moment but hes probably sleeping as usual. And I want pancakes too. Last time I tried making them (Ehab's recipe). A total disaster. I didn't only mess up the mixture, I somehow managed to crumble the pancakes to black bits and pieces. Yeah, that bad.
So every time mom asks me to get married, I ask her to find me a husband who can cook.
Anyway. I got at least 7 essays to write before the 16th. So there, now I have something to do.
I know how crazy busy I'm going to get in just a few days so I might as well just enjoy the freedom. The minute I set foot in school life's gonna be one hell of a busy nightmare. I'll hardly get "alone-time" so I'd rather just make up for it beforehand.
P.S. Rabia, I saw your head. Farewell pictures.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Sarjil says.
I would've named this one, The Stranger Who Knows You Too Well, but for now this would do.
When i think back, i don't blame us. Not you, not me. They are the ones to blame. We should have stayed but life played it's role good enough.We were fooled. But i know now. And now, it doesn't even matter because here we are, apart. Far. Far. Apart. And sadly, life does go on. Out loud I'm wishing that you don't turn back around to look at me. Silently, I'm arguing with myself. I tend to argue a lot these days. I'm not confused, just fighting my way through reality and fantasy. Yes, i figured it was time.
You say its a little too late? I disagree. It never is late. Like i said, you missed the point. I'm still glad i knew you the way you knew yourself.
You were the wind, always will be.
When i think back, i don't blame us. Not you, not me. They are the ones to blame. We should have stayed but life played it's role good enough.We were fooled. But i know now. And now, it doesn't even matter because here we are, apart. Far. Far. Apart. And sadly, life does go on. Out loud I'm wishing that you don't turn back around to look at me. Silently, I'm arguing with myself. I tend to argue a lot these days. I'm not confused, just fighting my way through reality and fantasy. Yes, i figured it was time.
You say its a little too late? I disagree. It never is late. Like i said, you missed the point. I'm still glad i knew you the way you knew yourself.
You were the wind, always will be.
go on get outta my head.
Time on my hands
Could be time spent with you
Laughing like children
Living like lovers
Rolling like thunder -Elton John
Could be time spent with you
Laughing like children
Living like lovers
Rolling like thunder -Elton John
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
no karachi.
So they wont let me go to Karachi. When are they going to grasp the concept that i am eighteen? Never.
And to top it off, he says, i said No and that's reason enough. So the world reaches its height of unfairness and i sit here unable to protest, as always. Nahal, guess you're just going to have to come to me instead. I know that its my turn and blah blah blah but as if i can help any of this injustice. Come? please.
And. Some people need to understand that cell phones die if you don't charge them. And if your cell phone ain't charged, i end up talking to myself. Right Ehab? stupid sunshine.
P.S. rabia, you're rain. Rainbow happens after rain, so there, that's the relation. :)
And to top it off, he says, i said No and that's reason enough. So the world reaches its height of unfairness and i sit here unable to protest, as always. Nahal, guess you're just going to have to come to me instead. I know that its my turn and blah blah blah but as if i can help any of this injustice. Come? please.
And. Some people need to understand that cell phones die if you don't charge them. And if your cell phone ain't charged, i end up talking to myself. Right Ehab? stupid sunshine.
P.S. rabia, you're rain. Rainbow happens after rain, so there, that's the relation. :)
Sunday, August 1, 2010
NATURE FREAK.
One of my favorite things to do is watching the sky turn orange, pink and purple when the sun goes to bed.
31st July 2010
So it finally rained today. I heard the thunder and I saw sunshine peeking from behind the clouds.
When i heard raindrops against my window this morning, I ran out barefoot to play in the rain.
My hair is still dripping cold water and my kameez is completely soaked. Which reminds me that I need to find myself a dry dupata to wrap around me. But it can wait till I finish my hot mug of chai. I'm not much of a tea person but the cold marble of the porch steps had me freezing even more.
All the kids are playing soccer in the backyard. They tend to scream, goal or no goal. That's part reason why I woke up. Living in a house with a gazillion kids from ages between two and sixteen does have its disadvantages. But one things for sure, you never feel lonely or peaceful. But even through the noise there's something beautiful and peaceful about today. Maybe you would know if you were here.
P.S. Rabia, so I heard the thunder in the middle of the night and I looked at my phone, almost-completely expecting you to text me saying,"sainya. did you hear that? I'm scared."
When i heard raindrops against my window this morning, I ran out barefoot to play in the rain.
My hair is still dripping cold water and my kameez is completely soaked. Which reminds me that I need to find myself a dry dupata to wrap around me. But it can wait till I finish my hot mug of chai. I'm not much of a tea person but the cold marble of the porch steps had me freezing even more.
All the kids are playing soccer in the backyard. They tend to scream, goal or no goal. That's part reason why I woke up. Living in a house with a gazillion kids from ages between two and sixteen does have its disadvantages. But one things for sure, you never feel lonely or peaceful. But even through the noise there's something beautiful and peaceful about today. Maybe you would know if you were here.
P.S. Rabia, so I heard the thunder in the middle of the night and I looked at my phone, almost-completely expecting you to text me saying,"sainya. did you hear that? I'm scared."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)