I am no one special; just a stubborn wide-eyed girl who's in love with you.

Its very dark in the room. He likes to sleep in the pitch black with no night light. I know I will never get used to it. I happen to be a big fan of night lights. Slowly, my eyes start to adjust and I can see him.

He's asleep so I walk around and sit beside him. He has no idea I'm there. He looks so innocent and calm and I like the sound of his steady breathing. I lean in and gently kiss him.

"Hi." I whisper. He lays calm, still unaware of my presence. "You wanna know something? It's a secret. You know how you always say I'm so stubborn? I know I am. I have always been. But one smile from you and I'll probably give in every time."
He turns to his left side and I think he's awake but then I hear a slight snore and I lean across to check; he's still asleep.
"I know that I feel too much, too often, too intensely. And I know it drives you insane and I'm sorry. But also know that I love you, too much, too intensely, too often."
I run my hands gently though his hair, he's still sound asleep.
"When I kissed you the first time, I barely knew you. I didn't know your heart. I didn't know your past, heck I didn't even know your favorite color. All I knew was you were someone who made me feel unimaginably complete. I may not have had any clue about you but somehow, strangely, I knew you. And I wanted you, all of you."
A tear slips my eye, I fight a few more tears - trying desperately not to wake him.
"You are mysterious, and beautiful, intelligent, and virtuous, and that's the rarest combination. I love you for all that you are, all you have been, and all you're yet to be."

I wipe my tears and slowly get up to leave. I hear him turn behind me. I might have woken him up. I quicken my pace before he can catch on.

The other guy.

He seemed different. More confident than I had ever seen him before. And somehow that made me nervous.

He knew I was over thinking. He looked at me with that familiar love. He held my face,

"You deserve a better father who wouldn't hurt you like he did, you deserve so much love, you deserve flowers on your doorstep, and notes left on your dashboard, you deserve your favorite cold coffee every morning, and ice cream sundaes and honey buns at 3 am, you deserve to be kissed every hour, and to be reminded how beautiful you are. Never forget that."

And then, said goodbye and walked away.

In the midst of pain there was sadness.

In a year I've memorized every inch of that place. It has become closer to me than I would've imagined any piece of architect to be. Last night was one of those landmark-attached-memory nights that will always stay with me.  I will never forget his hunched posture sitting on the concrete in an empty parking spot. Or how his bloodshot eyes looked at me though the windshield, and the way his pain instantaneously hurt me with such power as I pulled in the parking space, again. It hurt to see his pain and worse that I was the reason. It was stupid but I wanted to breakdown and get on my knees and apologize.

Sometimes pain is so overwhelming you want to stop breathing and just wish you'd disappear. I became hysterical and my knees went weak. I cried out loud in the empty parking lot and in the safe circle of his arms.

Some things change your life and they suck a little bit of happiness away from you forever. They never stop making you sad till it eventually becomes a part of you. It's hard to explain that sadness to people. The truth is it makes me sick, the way sadness is so addicting. Its addicting because I know it so well. Because its so familiar its almost comfortable.

Midnight snack run.

It was late. I can't remember the time but it was late enough to cause my parents to raise their eyebrows. I pulled out of the driveway in an unthinking stupor not knowing where I was headed; when it hit me, I slammed on the brakes, grabbed my phone and dialed.

"Where are you?" Hearing my voice out loud I recognized the raw impatience and the undefined urgency I was feeling. And I knew he could sense it too. He was right around the corner, waiting for me. I followed his car.

It was one of those sad nights. And maybe I wanted a late night adventure in my pjs with my hair tied up. It didn't really matter what we did. He suggested we go to a fast food place and pig out. It worked (I officially am a fatass). It was childish but perfect like life would be if sweatpants were sexy and Mondays were fun and if honey bun's didn't make you fat and if goodbyes were meant only till tomorrow.

You Are Missing From Me In Bits And Pieces.

"Detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That is how you are able to leave it."

Pain? I miss Mujtaba. I miss him and its not in waves, its always there; constant.

.


Want? The answer seems fairly simple. I want to teach and I wanna make art, and take pictures, and read books and be with someone who loves me enough to never get tired of kissing my face. Simple. You know what you want. We all know what we want regardless of how stupid it is. Yet we're all so confused without a clue about who we are.

.


Change? The real truth is, its not the change that will break your heart; it's actually the nudge of familiarity.

.

Love? I wonder how it happend...
I wonder if I fell in love with the morning; how he stumbled out of bed straight to work, and how his eyes smiled my favorite smile despite the exhaustion. Or I wonder if it was the the way his hands grasped my hipbones while his lips stole the ending of my sentences. What it was exactly, I will never know. But I knew from the instant I met him that I would have to spend the next few days re-arranging my mind so there'd be room for him to stay. And just somehow I knew that I was in love with the presence of his words and the feel of his existence. It made perfect sense.

(You know when you're a little kid and you know in your heart that it's not a casual crush, its absolutely undeniably head over heels oh my god are you kidding me you are perfect wow I'm literally going to rethink every conversation we've ever had for the next 9 hours of my life please love me - sorta thing.)

People have lists in their heads of the kind of person they want to be with. It's all bullshit. Because people aren't lists. And I've always wanted to be the person who made someone realize that. I wanted to come across  someone with a list in their head that is nothing like the person I am, and I wanted to show them what they didn't even know they were looking for. People think they know what they want. Nobody really knows until its right in front of them.

.

Fear? There's always something you're afraid to say. There's always an untold secret and the longer you keep it, the heavier it gets.

shush.

Grandparents get shot and die. Parents split up. A father decides to forget you were ever his daughter.  Friends choose to become judgmental and leave. Siblings get split continents apart. A broken mother takes care of her children. The point is, if you carefully sum it up, trust gets you killed. Love gets you broken. And being real gets you hated.


Go ahead, read the paragraph above again. Read it again and listen to the reality.

This post isn't a sad one. It's happy. It's a happy one because I just came to tell you that when you're in a relationship and it's good, and nothing else in your life was ever right, you feel like your whole world was always complete and happy.

I try hard not to be so personal but it's just how I am. I get too personal too fast. I don't hide. I can't hide. Hiding is lying. I'm not gonna be the sad girl and I'm not gonna let my blog be the dark place where I come to write. I have too many happy things here to let that ruin it.


I'm talking but I'm not really saying anything. I'm a talker not a thinker. You know that, and I know that too. I'm playing safe and I don't even know why. I want to write it all and I want to say it out loud and I want to feel it over and over again. I do. But I think I might be just a little afraid that maybe saying it out loud will make it disappear. I can't let it disappear. I cannot. Not yet.

You know that feeling when you feel things for the very first time? I'll explain it better.

It's like when you see both your parents for the first time with different people and everything about it stabs on the old wound - your head rejects the new picture and your heart backs it up and you feel betrayed in the worst way.
Or the jealousy you feel for the first time at a beautiful Italian restaurant where the pretty waitress tries to flirt with your boyfriend.
Or that extraordinary feeling of freedom when you realize you're in a different city where no one knows you and you can do whatever you want.

It's kind of like that. It's exhausting and exhilarating to discover new emotions and feelings for the first time. It's scary because either it's too good to be said out loud or it's not so great at all so it hurts to say it.
SO.
I'm talking but I'm not really saying anything.

Me.

"If people were rain, I was drizzle. And he was a hurricane." -Looking For Alaska

So if someone asked you who you are, what would you say? Don't misinterpret it as to what you do. The question is, WHO ARE YOU?


I thought about it. I thought about who I am. And I wish I could say it in one word or in a sentence but I can't. I am so many things.

I am overly emotional. Some days I am too friendly for my own good.

Other days I won't say a word to you.

I care too much and I like saving broken people.

I have a knack for regretting half the decisions I make.

I hate staying home.

I love my camera and I love taking silly pictures and then putting them up in my room.

I love curling up on the couch with a good book and not getting up till its finished.

I hate un-made beds with a passion.

I love the look in peoples eyes when they realize they're in love.

I love the way people look when they first wake up and they've forgotten their surroundings.

I love when people cry when their favorite character dies in a book or a movie.

I fall in love with people and their honest moments all the time.

I also believe that honesty is just too beautiful to put into words.

I believe that all the good things in me are because of my mom.

I love God for all my miracles.

And I truly believe that my boyfriend changed my world with just one smile. And I know our love is the kind that is quiet on the outside but loud on the inside. I love him like the space between lightening and thunder - electrified and alive but silent and knowing. And I know that sometimes we're gonna have to let each other go on our own, but I know I will always come back and we will always be two parts of the same thing.

I know that like my ability to do my eyeliner the same on both eyes is reminiscent of a lot of things in my life - close but never quite right.

I am stronger than so many can understand.

Dreaming big dreams.

Everyone's in such a rush. There's no time to step back and look. No time to close your eyes and breathe. Which sucks because you see so much better when you stop and step aside from it all. It's healthy, try it.

And as a general rule you are supposed to take your own advice..

So this is me living the fast life yet here I am closing my eyes, stepping back, and finally breathing. I don't know where to start from. I've been running. I've been literally running. First from a distorted childhood, a broken home, and then finally from home and then to another house in search of home, from one job to another. And so eventually I've been everywhere and met lots of people and developed extraordinary social skills - which have turned me into a fascinating people person. Some people/friends are understanding, others judgmental.  Some like to label me as one of those 'fast girls' who have a boyfriend and like to hop from one place to another. It's annoying but you slowly learn to not give a crap. But overall I don't think I've changed over the years. I think I've become more me than ever before. Reality has changed my life for the best. 

Every year on my birthday I always made the same wish. I always wished that all my dreams would come true. For so many years I've had the same set of dreams and I'd ask eyelashes, pennies, dandelions, wishbones, 11:11, shooting stars, and birthday candles to do their job. But dreams are just dreams - closer to the impossible than most things, right? Well, at least that's what I thought till yesterday. And then I turned 21. And that was it. I blew the candles but I didn't know which dreams to wish for. My 21st birthday was my dream come true. And today I need a new set of dreams because a miracle hit me and and made every dream happen in a blink of an eye.

So I'll tell you what, it gets better. Evey thing that's not good will get better. It will make you forget the pain ever existed and when that happens remember what I told you: stop running, close your eyes, and breathe. You made it. It's like looking back over your shoulder and smiling at the world cause you made it - the feeling is beyond overwhelming.

For this feeling, I owe you everything so I'll never forget how happy you make me. I love you, Saad.

The Plan.

Look at life in retrospect. Notice how everything is so marvelously pre-planned. How you think you might have met someone accidentally and then that "coincident meeting" changes your life. How one person changes your life. All because in some twisted way coincidences happens simply because things are meant to be. Which means from everything you say, do, wear, eat, to how long you breathe, are all part of The Plan.

When I thought the hardest decision of my life was to decide whether to walk away or try harder, I chose to walk away because I thought I had the courage to accept whatever I encounter. But I didn't walk away because I chose to, I did because it was meant to happen. It was part of The Plan. Part of My Plan.

All you need to do is believe in the plan. Believe that sometimes the only way forward might be downwards and that's okay because there's a bigger plan for you.
So when I walked away towards life, towards change, and towards hope, I knew I had to leave all the anger, hatred, and bitterness behind because if I didn't I wouldn't be free.

It's hard to leave behind people who gave you so much to remember. You never stop missing them. It's hard to meet new people and start over but it's worth it. Because from what I've learned, blood makes you related but loyalty makes you family. In such a short spam of time friends have become family. And him, he's more than that. He's my reason for everything. He's the best part of my plan.

Complicated.

It all starts from that one secret person. We all have that person: Someone you wanna grab, hug, and tell how much they mean to you. Someone who's gone and you wish you could have one more chance because if you did you'd fix it.Yes, that person.

And its complicated. They ask me why I keep saying complicated. Let me try to explain.

Its complicated because this person texts you exactly at that same moment you're missing them and you know in your heart that its deeper than coincidence.

It's complicated like how we damage ourselves. How we get our hearts torn apart and fall in love with the wrong people.

Its when what your brain tells you you want and what you actually want don't match up. It's exhausting. And, well, its complicated. Try to keep up.

Time and stuff.

Time is creepy. Creep-ier than my stalker number 2 who likes to come around occasionally, stand by me but buy nothing from the store, talk a little - mostly to himself - and then leave. But unlike him, time is fascinating and impulsive and cruel. It has a mean way of stealing people from us.

So here's my theory. You'll live a boring life and then after a huge amount of time something big will happen to counter all the shit. And just for one moment you'll realize how you got everything that you ever wanted. For one moment you'll feel like you're lucky. For one moment you'll feel like it was all worth it. For that one tiny moment you'll love God for your existence. Emphasis on just one moment. And then you'll go back to being ungrateful, unhappy, and well.. normal. But nonetheless, you will experience that one moment that may seem life changing in the best way and the next minute you'll forget all about it. Why? It's because humans are stupid and miserable. The point? I'm having that tiny moment of bliss as we speak.

Okay I'll try to explain this a little better.
He's an ass and I love him. I love him in a let him eat the last piece of my honey bun, cook him food even though I don't know how to cook sorta way. Wanting to throw him in front of a speeding car and then die trying to save him kinda way. And I should tell him this but I probably won't. Instead I'll just write here.

I feel grown up. In a good way. In a 'I love life' kinda way. Like when you come to the point where you know that you're far from perfect and you have an ugly looking haircut and that you could have a more flatter stomach but you're somehow happy about it all. Because looking back at life you see pain and so much heartache but then you look at yourself and you see strength.

Last year passed. Its gone and I'll miss it. I'll miss my friends in Pakistan, I'll miss being their friend who fell asleep everywhere and ate like a pig and never gained weight and turned everything 'dirty'. And I'll miss the summer of 2012 the most and I'll keep it with me forever. I'll miss the feeling of the perfect change.

New year resolution? Find more reasons to love life.