shush.

Grandparents get shot and die. Parents split up. A father decides to forget you were ever his daughter.  Friends choose to become judgmental and leave. Siblings get split continents apart. A broken mother takes care of her children. The point is, if you carefully sum it up, trust gets you killed. Love gets you broken. And being real gets you hated.


Go ahead, read the paragraph above again. Read it again and listen to the reality.

This post isn't a sad one. It's happy. It's a happy one because I just came to tell you that when you're in a relationship and it's good, and nothing else in your life was ever right, you feel like your whole world was always complete and happy.

I try hard not to be so personal but it's just how I am. I get too personal too fast. I don't hide. I can't hide. Hiding is lying. I'm not gonna be the sad girl and I'm not gonna let my blog be the dark place where I come to write. I have too many happy things here to let that ruin it.


I'm talking but I'm not really saying anything. I'm a talker not a thinker. You know that, and I know that too. I'm playing safe and I don't even know why. I want to write it all and I want to say it out loud and I want to feel it over and over again. I do. But I think I might be just a little afraid that maybe saying it out loud will make it disappear. I can't let it disappear. I cannot. Not yet.

You know that feeling when you feel things for the very first time? I'll explain it better.

It's like when you see both your parents for the first time with different people and everything about it stabs on the old wound - your head rejects the new picture and your heart backs it up and you feel betrayed in the worst way.
Or the jealousy you feel for the first time at a beautiful Italian restaurant where the pretty waitress tries to flirt with your boyfriend.
Or that extraordinary feeling of freedom when you realize you're in a different city where no one knows you and you can do whatever you want.

It's kind of like that. It's exhausting and exhilarating to discover new emotions and feelings for the first time. It's scary because either it's too good to be said out loud or it's not so great at all so it hurts to say it.
SO.
I'm talking but I'm not really saying anything.

Me.

"If people were rain, I was drizzle. And he was a hurricane." -Looking For Alaska

So if someone asked you who you are, what would you say? Don't misinterpret it as to what you do. The question is, WHO ARE YOU?


I thought about it. I thought about who I am. And I wish I could say it in one word or in a sentence but I can't. I am so many things.

I am overly emotional. Some days I am too friendly for my own good.

Other days I won't say a word to you.

I care too much and I like saving broken people.

I have a knack for regretting half the decisions I make.

I hate staying home.

I love my camera and I love taking silly pictures and then putting them up in my room.

I love curling up on the couch with a good book and not getting up till its finished.

I hate un-made beds with a passion.

I love the look in peoples eyes when they realize they're in love.

I love the way people look when they first wake up and they've forgotten their surroundings.

I love when people cry when their favorite character dies in a book or a movie.

I fall in love with people and their honest moments all the time.

I also believe that honesty is just too beautiful to put into words.

I believe that all the good things in me are because of my mom.

I love God for all my miracles.

And I truly believe that my boyfriend changed my world with just one smile. And I know our love is the kind that is quiet on the outside but loud on the inside. I love him like the space between lightening and thunder - electrified and alive but silent and knowing. And I know that sometimes we're gonna have to let each other go on our own, but I know I will always come back and we will always be two parts of the same thing.

I know that like my ability to do my eyeliner the same on both eyes is reminiscent of a lot of things in my life - close but never quite right.

I am stronger than so many can understand.