Life happens.

I'll tell you whats the worst. It's when you get lied to by someone you love. Its because people say what they don't mean. So say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't lie by omission and don't tell half truths.

I've decided one thing today; I'm gonna be happy no matter what. Whether it be single, broke, hurt, alone, whatever. So if you're crying over a boy, don't. If you're a single parent and broke, you'll be okay too. If you're jobless, don't give up yet. If someone hurt you, give em another chance or don't, but smile either way. If you lost someone to death, remember that death only ends a life and not your relationship. If you miss someone, call em. But whatever you do, stay happy. Be happy before life gives you a bigger reason not to be.

p.s. Someone who meant a lot to my best friend passed away today, may her soul R.I.P. And I hope she finds it in herself to be okay. Because I love her, I always will.

xo

Heart to Heart.

Its maybe because he's the best person I've ever known. It was never a choice I had to make. I knew in my heart from the very first time he smiled at me. And it was all too much at that point. And I was fooling myself in trying to fall for the obvious. Mariam was right that one time. I've never told her this but that day she gave me the best advice in the world. She told me to follow my instincts. And I think I'm happy today because I did. You should too. Sometimes its okay to listen to your heart instead of your head even though it's the biggest risk to take.

He sighed.

"You know you're beautiful when a paki guy doesn't think you're paki." -Saad

Battlefield.

I lean on his shoulder while he smokes a cigarette. The wind scatters hair all over my face. He reaches over and tucks it behind my ear. Our eyes lock and we smile. Every moment seems so easy and simple with him, and I wish I could write it all.
Cars start to pull out of the parking lot and time seems terribly insignificant. Seems like I've left behind not just a lifetime but many. I start to miss them; family, home, friends.
And I dig my head deeper in his shoulder.

--

"I. GAINED. FIVE. MORE. POUNDS."
We look at each other in shock and crack up.

--

I turn my head away and hug my knees to my chest. I'm naraz. Chris finds it funny and instantaneously makes me conscious of the personal joke in his head. He notices my agitation and gives it away: You're exactly like your sister; both of you curl into a ball when you're upset.
And we both laugh out loud.

--

"iughksjaglksfgajsvfbaklfhlksfgyk"

"Um, sorry I dont speak spanish."

"hkgklsjagldfdbnbcmxtueti7rtoiolyhkjghkjhfg"

"English. English only."

"hgjksdglistudfgfkgstuityjkhopi9y?"

"Kill yourself."

Starting over again.

I've been living out of a suitcase for as long as I can remember. Maybe I'll fall in love with this new place before - once again - I'll absolutely have to move, who knows right? Besides Im good at the whole 'falling in love' thing. Though I always end up falling in love with all the wrong things, even you know that by now. I guess I'm a masochist like that.
Back to the point: Its not pretty and perfect but none of the places I've lived in have been, and thats okay. I have a feeling I'll miss packing and unpacking and moving around and not knowing where I'm gonna be the next day when I'll finally have a home. So if this is one of the stop overs on my way to a real home, I'll make the most of it.
And those of you who've lived in the same place for a long time, you dont even know what you're missing on. Moving around this often may be crazy as hell but I know for sure its better than a strictly predictable life.

So don't be afraid to leave and let go. Change is good; it helps you grow.

Plane ride.

I feel like a huge chunk of me has been yanked out. And so it happens that this chunk contained the most vital parts of what I am made up of; my favorite people, family, tids and bits of my broken childhood, memories of an imaginary home, lots of regrets, lots of happiness, lots of familiar places, so many heartbreaks, so much hurt, so much love, so much of why I am me. It's surprising how I am most unlike me at this time of my life. I guess being old hits you hard and snaps the world into an ugly perspective when you turn 20. But again, what the hell do I know, I said the same thing at 12.

You make my dopamine levels go all silly.

So here's to us. Here's to love, and all the times that we fought, all the times we messed up. Here's to all the nights that passed too fast, and the laughs, the tears, and every minute spent together.

Adventure special.

"It's the oldest story in the world: One day you're 17 and planning for some day. And then quietly, without you realizing it, some day is today and then that some day is yesterday and this is your life." -One Tree Hill

Despite the very unplanned and unpredictable future - as for now - there are only a few things I'm absolutely certain about. 
 
First, my very first book is going to be a memoir. 
Second, love isn't the only thing I can fall back on - art and writing have saved my life. 
Third, I'm hopelessly and heartbreakingly terrified of the dark (note to self: buy a flashlight to survive in the darkest hours of the night). 
Fourth, every once in a while a stranger shows up in each one of our lives and teaches us the importance of who we are.
Fifth, I'm actually really 20 years old (wow).
Sixth, you remember that cliched idea about how your blood is your only true family? Bullshit. 
Seventh, you are able to experience absolute happiness after buying a pair of killer heels you can barely walk in.
Eighth, stay away from sickly dying cats - they bite.

Ninth, the saddest thing in the world: when you have to replace a picture in your photo frame with a picture of another person.

Happy people are beautiful.

Every time I start to write here I tell myself that this time I'll write something useful. Something for you. Something that matters to someone.

But as usual I end up writing something as stupid as I hate cats; I have hated cats long before the day I first learnt how to spell the word c.a.t. A couple of days back I even had a nightmare about them. But of course that's not really even the point.

The other day I was messing around with a Rubik's cube; Right inverted. Down inverted. Front inverted. Up inverted. Left inverted. Up inverted? I don't get algorithms. Apparently I had way too much time on me to waste.

So I did this depression inventory thing - almost sorta by accident. And turns out I have mild mood disturbance. Yeah no kidding?
Jokes aside. Maybe I am in a crappy terrible mood most of the time these days but honestly it's not like I'm being ungrateful or anything. And I don't want whatever I want. Probably nobody does. Not really. Because what fun would that be if I got everything I ever wanted just like that? I mean, then what? It'd be meaningless.
Life always only makes sense in retrospect. Otherwise it's just like this crazy jumbo puzzle with a gazillion pieces missing. And there is no way to control it, no way to figure it out. So if you're sitting there thinking you've figured out life, slap yourself. Cause honestly you haven't.

Life is simply something you have to do, like forgiving people. You forgive them not because they earn it by saying sorry or because they deserve it, it's because they need it and we all need it. For all the same reasons we need love and forgiveness and hope and hugs - to stay happy. And happy people are beautiful. So. Smile.

Close your eyes and wish a lot. Soon the rainy day will go. It's all because you wished it so!

I thought about it. And then I tried fixing it. But what can I say, it's definitely one of those I-want-to-crawl-into-bed-and-hide-under-the-blanket-all-day kinda days.
Though I agree. Birthdays are very special. Except that just 3 hours before mine I don't see the point.

 Nonetheless I do have a birthday wish and honestly I really really want this. So, here it goes..

Dear eyelashes, pennies, dandelions, wishbones, 11:11, shooting stars, and birthday candles. Do your job.

Moving again.

There was that silence - the unbearable kind that makes you feel like a knife is sticking out your back. And I was walking very quietly as if, if nobody heard me I'd disappear altogether. The grass was wet and my feet cold in my shoes.
.

There was a book report due so we read The Alchemist together again on the phone. I was hyper and loud and I felt each word as I read it and envied Santiago's love for his personal legend.
And when we came to this one, we read the line over and over again till we were contemporaneously saying it to each other.

"I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you."  

.

I packed my bag. I re-packed it. And then, I packed it again. I have always had difficulty deciding what to take and what to leave behind. And somehow, surprisingly, at the last minute I always have a pet fish to give away.

.

"Love is when you know more about someone, just by looking into their eyes."

Up Yours.

"Um, does it bother you that I cuss so much?"

"Nah, I think it's fucking cute."

The inevitable.

I'm a workaholic. I have more than 4000 words to write and less than 30 mins till the electricity goes. I wrote three articles since morning. I'm not complaining; I'm making excuses. But frankly, that's not really why I haven't blogged for so long. No matter how much I think I'm losing my passion for writing because all of a sudden it has become work, it's not really true.
The real truth is, it's all just happening too fast for me to grasp. January is happening too fast and I dunno the difference between endings and beginnings anymore. I like middles, though. Middles are more about the "happening" - I'm more about the happening.
I have my eyes shut tight. It's like that ride that spins and spins you around for what seems like forever and when you open your eyes you wanna go again despite the emotional upheaval of the previous few minutes.

But the question is, can you buy someone the whole world and hang it around their neck? Or, can you buy someone your childhood and put it smack-dab in the middle of their palm?
Yeah, that's what I've been busy giving and getting lately.

Happy new year.

It's so crowded. So loud. Songs are playing, people are dancing. And she's smiling. It's going to be 2012 very soon. She thinks she's happy but then she slips on her shoes and runs across the room into another, then another - her waist length hair flailing behind her. All of a sudden, after so many days she craves for quietness, for old faces. She dials a number and the voice on the other end splits a smile across her face again, and over the sound of the voices around her she yells, Happy Birthday!

.

At 11:59 a phone rings. It's almost twelve already? She lost track of time. She picks up his call and the crowd on the other end can be heard : Five, four, three, two, HAPPY NEW YEAR!
And she thinks to herself, wow I miss you more now.


.


Fireworks can be heard. It's freezing cold. Because of him, because of her - all the same, she cries alone.

.

And maybe heartache and tears weren't the perfect way to start the new year. But I spent 2011 trying to find myself in the real world. The slightly abstract idea of who I am has gotten way more solid. And I know that 2011 did start off terrible but in a way it evolved into one of the best years I've ever had. And now things are kinda fuzzy like the static on the television. I wanna make the image even clearer and honestly continue discovering myself this year.