I don't give.

I fell asleep sometime during the day and I woke up thinking that I've become so paranoid and so conscious and so cautious and now it seems so impossible to let down my guard. It probably won't be soon till that happens and am I really okay with it? Could that be a part of growing up- letting go of your crazy spontaneous self to a quiet on-guard at all times self? Two things I now know, phones aren't safe no more, and people can't be trusted- either they become too intrusive and ruin your life or simply leave cause that's just how much they bother about your feelings. Wait, fuck feelings- nobody really actually ever gives a shit about that so that's just irrelevant at the moment. I'll get over it soon and laugh about this a few months from today and maybe forget it, too. But for now I know that I'm not scared anymore. Though someone is prob still keeping tabs on me and since the last couple of nights I wake up in the middle of the night with that feeling of being watched and it makes my hands go cold. And even though each time I get a call I start to pray that he's okay. Yet I'm not scared because someone somewhere felt threatened by love and I feel sorry for em. But I'm not scared, just recovering from the shock of how people have a major inability to mind their own business.

Because you see, I'd made my mind that very night when in mid conversation I bit my lip and smiled, thinking that he was that someone who didn't care that I was incapable of sitting still or that I couldn't grasp the concept of cooking and that I refused to be nice. Someone who realized that half the things I say and the decisions I make are usually ones I regret and that I over-react at any given moment. He was someone who knew how completely insane I was and still loved me.
And sometimes you need that one person who will let you talk and ramble, listen to you complain and sound like a complete idiot and still love you all the same. So tabs or no tabs, doesn't change how I feel, only makes me value love even more.

Save yourself from dumb advise and just listen to your heart. And if you really want to then go ahead and suck on those lemons and eat the damn chocolate cake, screw your diet plan, take a risk, play in the rain and get your hair wet, play in those muddy puddles, love someone, do that crazy dare, hug your best friend tighter, tell someone off, sit on the roller coaster, write a letter or draw a picture with crayons like you're still 6 years old and give it to someone who means a lot, pack your bags and take a vacation, paint each nail a different color, make up your own recipe, go to a party in a t-shirt and jeans, stay up all night, laugh at a corny joke, beat a guy at a video game, paint a self-portrait, love the un-loved and live your life to the fullest- even if you have stalkers and intrusive family members keeping tabs on your ass- so that at the end of the day you'll have no regrets, no sorrows and no disappointments, just lots of happy moments.